Reflections on adulting.
Reflection of a sullen twenty year old, on her second to last week of being twenty.
On friends
I have always been an introvert, so I’ve always kept my circle very small. And although there’s only like…less than 10 people I consider friends, I start to enjoy the company of seasonal acquaintance (if you’ve never heard of that, it’s because I made the term myself), people I come in contact with intensely for a short period of time. Maybe from work, organizations, competitions, friend of a friend who decided to tag along when I went out with my friend, someone I met through the internet, literally I can find them everywhere. Although seasonal acquaintance won’t always be there, I truly cherish the short period of time, all the stories, sadness, or laughter that we may share. And although I won’t consider them as friends, they’ll always have my hand in need.
On self worth
I no longer idolize someone, look at someone and think of them as very cool, set my goals based on someone, or base my worth upon something. Back then, I based my worth on how many academic competitions I won and being able to create things — for me, it was books and songs — and therefore, I always thought of people who could excel in both as ‘cool’ and ‘successful’. Upon failing both of them, trying a lot of other stuffs, and meeting more people, I realize that 1) everyone have their own ways, their own struggles — each of them unique and equally wonderful; 2) there’s always struggle behind every ‘cool’ and ‘successful’ people. When you look at someone and think that oh wow how do they get their shit together, they probably don’t. At least that’s what I learned from all the ‘cool’ and ‘successful’ people I personally know.
On intelligence
I have my own standard of what ‘smart’ is, and I use that standard to rate other people’s intelligence. While I fully realize that I myself am not smart according to my standards, it made me look down upon other people so much. But in the past year I am grateful to have met smart people, much much much smarter than me, who are very very humble and compassionate in what they’re doing. I’m very ashamed to think of how judgmental I was, because there’s always something that other people know that we don’t know. Yes, smart, arrogant people exist too, and given my current scope of work I always get to meet them, I’m trying my best to not let their arrogance get into me.
On love
In my past relationship, I spent months trying to make myself think, look, and speak a certain way just to stay with someone, even though it was always in the back in my mind that I never truly loved them and we were not meant to be. After that, I spent months of being flirty on real life on dating apps, seeking new validation under the guise of love. And suddenly, unexpectedly, my true love came to me when I was the most unguarded, and when I was the most…me. Without ever needing to change the way I am to be loved, I am loved. As cliché as it sounds, true love feels a lot like a puzzle piece that clicks. And I am eternally grateful.
